The midges will be so disappointed

A couple of days ago, I went over to see my cousin Rosemary in Kent, and, as we normally do, I drove us both to Canterbury for lunch, and a stroll around the excellent shops. On the way I told her how I had nearly cancelled my month in Scotland, so that I could afford those caravan repairs. But of course, I was able to add that all is now well, and the trip is back on.

This led on to a discussion of midges, the scourge of  the damp Western Highlands. I explained that one of the chief reasons for seeing Scotland in April was to avoid the first hatching of zillions of midges, because even if they don't bite, they will form a cloud around one's head and this can be more than just annoying: it can be positively distressing.

Well, we were in Mountain Warehouse, one of the shops we always visit on our post-lunch round, and while I was in the changing room trying something on, Rosemary enquired about those insect nets you put over your head, and she bought me one as a little present. It came in a handy little pouch, and weighed almost nothing, so you could carry it about all the time on a 'just in case' basis, while in Midge Country.

Back home next morning, I gave it a proper try-out.

The pouch was very neat. I could keep it handy in Fiona all year round, and transfer it to my handbag as required. It had a belt strap, but I don't wear belts.

So what does it look like when worn? Here's the starting position, without any net protection. Any midge seeing me in this state would begin to slaver uncontrollably.

Lucy: Come and get it, if you dare!

Midge (slobbering): You are dead meat. 

But then, I deftly don my anti-midge head net.

Lucy: Having trouble, midge?

Midge: Curses, foiled again.

The head net was very comfortable indeed, and despite being shaped like a sack with a drawstring and toggle at the open end, it didn't feel confining and I'm sure I would be able to wear it for hours on end. And if they couldn't get near my eyes, ears, mouth and nostrils, any local midges would surely buzz off somewhere else, and not waste their time on me. In which case I could stroll about looking insanely joyous.

Some idiots might assert that I look like a daft old biddy wearing a net bag - but they would be so wrong. This is practical outdoor equipment, and any knowledgeable eye can see at once that it's the business, and awesomely cool and capable from any angle. 

But of course gestures can be made in the direction of style and elegance. One obvious way is to wear a hat, which immediately adds extra fascination and allure.

I do see risks, of course. The net resembles a veil, and I might be mistaken for a modest blushing bride, or a deeply mourning widow. Either would be embarrassing. And although it's not terribly effective as a disguise, I couldn't really go into a bank wearing this anti-midge head net, in case I were mistaken for a robber. 

All that said, I now feel super-easy and brave about going where midges lurk - typically around lochs and streams. Indeed, the only disappointment on the horizon is that in Scotland, in April, there aren't going to be any midges to test this snazzy head net on. 

Tsk. Just my luck.