Every woman's business

Do you sense a pivotal moment in the treatment of women by men? I do. I think that something has started. The death of Sarah Everard might have been only the newest of a very long line of violent female deaths at the hands of men. The different thing, this time, is that the accused person is not only a man, but a serving policeman. One who should have been a guardian. His guilt isn't yet established by due process. But meanwhile, all women feel massively let down. Indeed, who is left to absolutely rely on, where safety in public is concerned? Who can now be unquestionably trusted?

It used to be that the police never took seriously the daily annoyances, threats and dangers that oppressed women. Things men didn't encounter. Then it seemed that police attitudes were changing a little, that old-school notions - for instance, that the things a husband might do in the home were his right, and that his wife had to comply without complaint - were on their way out, as senior officers retired or died, and younger people with newer ideas took their place. Special police teams were formed in all forces to deal sympathetically and non-judgementally with female victims of attack. That, and several other initiatives, seemed to be a reassurance to women that if the worst happened, and they were still alive, then the police would comfort them, and bring the perpetrator to justice. But now?

The thing that women want is not so much effective retribution after a serious crime has been committed. It's simple freedom from feeling threatened by men. 

No woman wants to feel tense when men are around. 

No woman wants to deal with a man on an unequal basis. 

All women want to take it for granted that there will be politeness and honesty in their contacts with men, and no physical pressure whatsoever. 

It's all about behaviour. The physical disparities between male and female bodies will never go away. It will always be the case that most men will be able to force their will on women, because most women aren't strong enough to fight them off. As a rule, any man so minded can terrorise a woman into submission. Millennia of male dominance are on his side: and for a very, very, very long time women have been conditioned to give in. This puts many women at a serious psychological disadvantage, so that a persistent man - especially a powerful man - will usually get his way. And this applies to trivial domestic matters as much as to rape. 

It's time for change. 

Is this truly my business? Speaking as an unattractive sixty-eight year old biddy whom no man is likely to notice? Surely it's primarily the concern of pretty young women? 

Well, I'd say it's the business of all women, young or old. 

There are plenty of middle-aged women, trapped in marriages they can't get out of, and having to put up with the casual cruelties of bored husbands or partners. There are plenty of elderly women stuck indoors with tyrannical, demanding retired husbands who refuse to let them leave the house, and although physical violence may not be in the mix of daily oppressions, meanness and spite and hectoring can inflict harm just the same. (This is one reason why I would never risk a relationship now: at best, I'd end up being an unpaid nurse; but just as likely I'd fall victim to a kind of emotional blackmail that would enslave me. I want to remain a free spirit, and not become a captive bird) 

As for the unwelcome attentions of strangers, I admit that women like me are much more likely to be attacked for the presumed contents of their bags, than because they stimulated uncontrolled animal desire in some psychopath. But you can't wholly discount the possibility of a Yorkshire Ripper-style mauling, someone coming up behind with a claw hammer in his hand. 

It's unlikely; and even after the latest outrage now in the news, I still feel it's unlikely. 

But even so, I am unwilling to walk the streets after dark, not without a good reason. Not in any of the quiet Sussex towns nearby, such as Lewes or Burgess Hill. Most certainly not in Brighton. I used to socialise quite a lot in Brighton, some years ago. I well remember the worry I always endured between saying goodbye to friends and reaching the sanctuary of my car. There were a lot of creepy characters about in Brighton after sunset. And at nights all cats are grey. The daytime signs of unappealing old age wouldn't save me. I'd be just another woman walking home, to a man who had been drinking and fancied some sex. Or worse, wanting to be brutal with somebody frightened to death by them, and unable to run away. 

I'd be an easy victim. I'm sure I'd freeze if attacked. I really don't think I'd fight back, as much as I'd like to kid myself that, although old, I still had the height and the heft - and the determination - to hurt my attacker, survive, and give a lucid account to the police. It wouldn't happen. And the last part - taking my account to the police - might be a bit less likely now. 

And yet it's vital that women do speak up about all crimes against them. Otherwise the old excuse - that not many violent attacks are reported, so the problem is small - will persist and prevent progress. So, yes, I would go to the police and tell them what had just happened, but without feeling it would get me anywhere. 

But it's the small things that chiefly need addressing, not only the crimes. At some point young boys realise that a girl is physically weaker and can be pushed about. That has to be pounced on and corrected before the boy gets used to his power and can justify his subsequent bad behaviour on such grounds as 'it's obviously the natural order of things' or 'it's traditional in our society' or 'my friends think it's cool to be in total control'. No wonder a woman with children, dependent on a man with attitude, finds herself particularly vulnerable. How can she run away? 

I don't hate men. I have known some gentle, caring men, my father included, who would be revolted at seeing another man abuse a woman. But then, a lot of the abuse is hidden from public view and they'd never be embarrassed by witnessing it. 

And it does seem to me that men are reluctant to intervene unless absolutely forced to. Not so much from cowardice as from psychological conditioning. The wolf pack needs to hunt together, and it's forbidden to challenge the head wolf. Hence the misbehaving boss who always gets away with it. Because none of the other men will call him out, even if they are deeply troubled. 

It takes a brave woman to do that instead.