The Full English

The last month has been devoid of posts. No, I haven't lost my enthusiasm for blogging. It's simply that I was away for three and a half weeks in Dorset, Cornwall and Devon, and - as usual - took a lot of photographs, especially as the weather was mostly good and I went to several new places. I gave processing those pictures total priority, which meant no opportunities whatever for blogging. 

But I'm back home now. It's time I got my typing fingers working again! 

This post is about the Full English Breakfast, that town centre café standby and proud main offering, usually available for lunch as well as breakfast, and sometimes all day. It generally consists of these food items: bacon, sausages, fried eggs, baked beans, hash browns, tomatoes, and either red or brown sauce. There can be choices, such as fried bread instead of hash browns; poached or scrambled egg instead of fried. Sometimes there might be black pudding and other things. Always with bread and butter or toast and butter, and often with a choice of which type of bread. And yes, the essential pot of tea or big mug of coffee to wash it down with!

Nobody has to go the whole hog and have the entire Full English. You can have slimline versions. It's easy to trim the ingredients to only those that are Slimming World compliant. Bacon, eggs, baked beans, tomatoes, red or brown sauce, tea and coffee are all no-syn or small-syn choices, and if that's all you consume, then it's a healthy meal. But you know, sometimes only the real thing will do. That's especially true if you're on a long day out and prone to running out of get-up-and-go. So once in a while, usually when on holiday, I treat myself to a Full English.

Am I greedy? Not ladylike? A piggy? Well, I'd say no: while I frequently breakfast or lunch on bacon and eggs and baked beans at home, it's not often that I chomp into a sausage cooked in my own kitchen, and I never cook up and devour fried bread, hash browns, or black pudding. And there's no bread or butter in the house. So ordering such things at a café is an uncommon pleasure, one to be savoured, a notable holiday moment.  

One of the nice things about a Full English is that is looks colourful and appetising - or at least that's generally true at the places I go to. There may be places that believe in serving up overcooked rubbish dripping with fat, but I don't use them. When home in Sussex, I have a couple of favourites. In seaside Littlehampton, there's the Dinky Doo Diner. Here's what I tucked into there in February 2022:

And in June 2023 this was my choice:

No Michelin stars for presentation, but it was tasty. Recommended.

In posh and arty Ditchling - long the home of Vera Lynn - there's The Nutmeg Tree, a decidedly upmarket cake, coffee, and light meal establishment that I particularly like. Back in January 2023 I dropped in for breakfast after a doctor's surgery appointment, and had this:

As you can see, nice china and doilies come with the meal. Behind me was a log fire. Fabulous.

When holidaying in the West Country, I like to eat at a great café I discovered in 2020, The Fat Frog in Liskeard in East Cornwall, reachable from North Devon. This is a real 'town hub' place, with a good street view. This is what impressed me in September 2020:

I returned in September 2021:

And gave The Fat Frog a third go in July 2022:

So far none of these breakfasts were the Full English, though close to it. I felt that a pile-it-all-on-the-plate Full English was strictly a tradesmen-only affair. As in this humorous card:

That July 2022 visit to The Fat Frog ended embarrassingly. I had a window table with a fascinating street view. And the café people were lively too. 

Distracted, I forgot that I hadn't settled up, and walked out without paying. They had to run after me. All was well eventually, but I still cringe at the experience. I posted about it (see The prisoner Melford will hear the verdict of the Jury on 3rd August 2022) after narrowly escaping transportation to Australia for life. However, I'll have to go back and show my face again. And this time have a Full English (paying up front). 

Another place I like, this time in North Devon at Hartland, is Coffee on the Square, which I discovered in September 2020. This is what I had then:

And these were my meals in April 2022 and April 2023:

And in September 2023:

A large party of fifteen (seated in a back room) ordered just before me, and I had to wait a bit - hence not only coffee, but a pot of tea as as well. But I had a chance to study my fellow-customers, and see what was happening in the square outside.

Some of those meals may well have been the Full English, genteel non-piggy versions anyway. But I thought I was risking my reputation ordering 'The Governor's' at another favourite eatery, the Jailhouse Café at the Verne Prison on the Isle of Portland. This is what I got on my last visit there in July 2022:

That was a lot to get through. I managed it, of course. Was it the champion Full English? I thought it was until I found The Coffee Bean at Helston, in Cornwall, last month. The place seemed to be something of a local institution. 

I was particularly peckish. I went for it. 'A Full English, please,' I exclaimed to the waitress. She staggered, and clutched at the table for support. Women stifled horrified screams. Men goggled, gasped and choked. Dogs fainted. Thunder rolled outside. But I insisted.

When it came, I almost regretted my rashness. It was humongous. 

Three rashers of bacon. Three sausages. And the rest. Everyone must have thought me gross. Or mad. No ordinary human being could eat this. But then, the Melfords are not ordinary human beings. And as one of them, I had to fly the flag and eat it all, or die. It was a matter of honour.

I ate it all and didn't die. In fact, thus fortified, I was game for a drive to The Lizard - not Lizard Point, but the little villages and coves such as Cadgwith, Poltesco and Portholland, and after that Gillan Creek and St Anthony-in-Meneage. 

And that's the thing: you're OK if you eat a Full English with a purpose in mind that involves a little exercise. It doesn't harm you then. You need the calories. I don't eat like this very often, even on holiday when I'm more active than I can be at home. 

It's called the Full English. But do they have a Scottish equivalent? The Full Scottish, so to speak? When I had a night on Orkney in September 2022 I found out. I ordered breakfast at the place I was staying at - it was The Inn Guest House at St Mary's, right on the shore of Scapa Flow - and got this:

Hmm. It certainly resembled a Full English that you could get south of the Border. But what was that meat-like square? It was new to me. I asked. It was called Lorne. The lady was amazed that I'd never heard of it. I tried it. It was tasty enough, and I polished it off, as I had a very full day ahead before driving Fiona to the ferry terminal at Stromness, ready for the voyage back to Scrabster. Later in my Scottish holiday, when at Forfar, I bought a packet of Lorne from the local Tesco supermarket:

Lorne was clearly a Scottish breakfast speciality. I've never seen it on sale in England. 

So: I've owned up to enjoying not only English Breakfasts, but an occasional Full English. I'm not abashed. I think I qualify as a person who gets out and around and sometimes needs a calorie-laden start to the long day ahead.