Sunday 11 October 2020

Curses, foiled again

The passport photo saga continues.

Friend Coline gave me a hot tip from the practical repertoire of a professional: I should pose outdoors on a dull day, when flat, shadowless lighting can be had. Well, I'll certainly keep that up my sleeve. It is however not something I'd want to do on the street side of my house, setting up a background and then posing against it for a few shots. My neighbours would find that hilarious! And I'm not sure what I could attach the background to anyway. Possible attachment points are either too high or too low; or else garden stuff is in the way. 

The rear of my house would be a better bet - I could peg a background up on my washing line, at least when there's no wind to waft it around. Some time ago, I could have hung it between giant rhododendron bushes, but I severely cut those back, as they were overwhelming the rear garden. There remains a corner at the bottom of the garden where a background could still be draped or hung against my tall rear hedge, and it's quite private too. I don't mean so private that a demure lady like me could prance there in the nude all day and not be seen, but it is certainly secluded enough for a leisurely photo session, mostly hidden behind the rockery. On the other hand, outdoor photography on a suitably dull day in October or November is likely to be a chilly affair, and I would want to wear a summer dress for the Perfect Shot that the Passport Office will approve of, and not a winter coat.

For now then I'm persevering with the Bedroom Method. That's not the one involving leather underwear, a spiked collar and a lash. It's the one I tried yesterday, where I sit down in front of a cream fleece blanket - my 'background' - hung against a wardrobe door, and secured by heavy books such as the Works of Malory (of Le Morte d'Arthur fame) and other volumes. But this time, with the Method tweaked a bit: the chair out further from the wardrobe; and my glasses off. 

So with the sun showing signs of setting, and my bedroom in shade, I had another go today. This was the best shot:

I suppose it's me, but with the glasses off it's not my ordinary appearance. Those baggy eyes! And I don't usually have an expressionless face. No it's someone else, someone like Myra Hindley - you know, the Moors Murders. Alternatively, I could be a guilty fugitive from justice, or at least an escapee from the chain gang, in stolen clothes. Still, if this is what the Passport Office wants, so be it.

I began my online passport application for the second time, fingers crossed. I had high hopes.


Oh no! It was judged 'poor'! They hadn't liked the background, which, because it was a shaded room, had come out too dark. Nor had my hair passed muster - they needed to see more of my face. Well, I deliberately wasn't holding my head high. I wanted to hide my scrawny neck somewhat. Chin up then, for my next attempt. 

Third time lucky? And straight away? Ever game, I considered the other shots I'd taken today. Ah, one of them was 'chin up'. Like the rest, a bit under-exposed, but I adjusted the brightness and it now looked pretty good. So I tried again. This was the third shot submitted:


Not so much of a prison mugshot this time! Would it prove more acceptable? This was the verdict after uploading:


Only a 'fair'. They thought I had my mouth open. I hadn't - but perhaps the lipstick obscured what I was doing with my lips. So, for my fourth attempt, no lipstick as well as no glasses. And chin up. What else will I do wrong?

And what hurdles yet await me further into the online passport application? At least every attempt has been free so far. How aggravating it would be, if using a photo booth and spending money on ever more fresh sets of photos. 

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