What would YOU do?

I've just spent a week at Burford, on the eastern edge of the Cotswolds - my first caravan getaway of 2020. Today I have moved on to Longleat on the western edge of Wiltshire - almost Somerset, and not far from Dorset. I have to say that so far it's been little different from any other caravan holiday I've taken in the past. There have been a few coronavirus measures in place on site, and it's been harder to get a pub lunch, or tea and cake, during the day when out and about. National Trust places either haven't been open, or have been unavailable for spontaneous decisions to visit them, as you have to book in advance so that visitor numbers are controlled. But then I don't rely on any of these things for the essence of my holidays, and I wouldn't say that Covid-19 has spoiled my time away one bit.

It's an odd coincidence that the Club sites at both Burford and Longleat are adjacent to a wildlife park. In Burford's case, it's the Cotswolds Wildlife Park, and at Longleat it is of course the famous Safari Park, home to the original Lions of Longleat. Neither attraction is to my own taste, but plenty of people want to go and see the animals, and I can testify to a steady stream of visitors queuing day after the day, from early morning onwards, at the Cotswold Wildlife Park across the road from the Club site entrance. It was that close. At Longleat it's half a mile off. In both places there are wild beasts that you wouldn't want to encounter in their natural setting, as you would be prey. Such as big cats and rhinos. I didn't hear any roaring at night at Burford (just the calls of peacocks, actually) but the Lions of Longleat may be more vocal after dark. You do wonder whether the big cats and rhinos and gorillas are truly confined in their enclosures, with absolutely no possibility of escape.

What if they got out? What if they saw a chance and got through an open gate, and spread out in every direction, free for the time being?

I suppose the first thing you'd know about it would be a siren, and suddenly lots of loud, panicky announcements telling people at the attraction to run for their lives - or back to their cars, anyway. And screams, as the cats found victims. I shouldn't think that the average car would be much of a sanctuary from a lion or tiger whose hunting instincts had been triggered. And I'm sure that a rhino could and would overturn and trample most small cars with one swipe of its horn. On the Club site, we'd be doomed. With only one way in and out, and a barrier to get through, and one access road, there'd be no dash for safety in our cars. On the other hand, we'd have our caravans and motorhomes to hide in. These might prove big and bulky enough to provide a proper shelter, although I wouldn't pin much hope on that if a wild beast got one's scent, or saw movement through the windows. Double-glazed they may be, but caravan windows are made of plastic, you know. I can't speak for the average motorhome. But neither kind of mobile holiday home is built like a tank!

Well, having survived a week at Burford without mishap, it's ironic that at Longleat I've placed myself in even greater danger from those animals who must have fresh meat every day or else go mad. At least the Club site at Longleat is not the only target for quick snacks on the hoof. There's also a large Center Parcs holiday village, and the thinking lion will get better pickings there - more bite-sized children, for one thing. There's a preponderance of Old Bones on Caravan Club sites - tough meat. The cat on the move wants something more succulent.

I am, of course, not being too serious about dangerous hungry beasts breaking loose and going on the rampage! But it does cross one's mind. And it has brought back a memory of a comic from long ago. I wasn't much for comics, but my younger brother Wayne was. And I remember now that I regularly got a look at an early-1960s comic called - I think - Boy's World. This was an upmarket publication, a bit glossy like the Eagle was, and just as expensive for a cash-strapped child to buy. Perhaps it was really called Posh Boy's World? Well, the thing about it that caught my eye was the cover, which always showed - in full colour - an Emergency Situation. And always with a question for the child seeing it: 'What Would YOU Do?' There would be various dire scenarios. In each a young chappie would be confronted by a fast-unfolding disaster that required an instant remedy, if the said chappie were to live. A galloping pride of escaping lions, rearing up on their hind legs with fangs bared and claws extended, their blood-maddened eyes fixed on the young man, could well have been the kind of tense emergency that would need thought and consideration. There would always be a solution, a correct thing to do, which would deftly save him from a horrible death. The young reader would have to buy the comic to find out what that solution was - just in case the situation ever cropped up in real life. As well it might, at any moment.

I can't remember all the situations illustrated on those front covers. They may have included being dragged under by the suckers of a giant squid, or ensnared in the groping tendrils of a meat-eating plant, or trapped in the closed jaws of a giant clam, or marooned by a searingly-hot flow of lava, or caught in a foaming whirlpool, or sliding about helplessly on the sloping deck of a sinking ship like the Titanic. The situation that has stuck in my mind is the picture of Our Young Man passing a tall building that's so ablaze that one entire side is about to fall on him. What does he do? Does he run for it, or what? What would you do?

As ever, the right answer isn't obvious. According to Boy's World the young man would make a bad mistake if he tried to run away from the collapsing buiding, as he can't outrun the flaming rubble as it spreads out. No, the proper thing to do is run towards the building, and crouch against the base of the wall. The red-hot brickwork will then fall outwards, and not downwards, and Our Plucky Quick-Thinking Young Person won't be crushed. In fact he'll emerge scarcely dusted, congratulating himself on Knowing The Correct Thing To Do, and getting hearty commendations from the firemen who thought he was going to be killed.

This particular scenario, and its non-intuitive solution, made a big impression on me; and for a long while afterwards I looked for opportunities to use this important new knowledge. But none ever came, perhaps because I was never silly enough to go anywhere close to furiously-burning tall buildings that were about to collapse.

Decades later, would I still rely on such advice? Well, I'm not sure. Take cliff falls, for instance. The crumbly chalk cliffs of Sussex regularly shed tons of rock, and it's obvious that it falls downwards, and not outwards very much. Perhaps brickwork and masonry would behave differently, but chalk rubble definitely doesn't 'fall clear'. So I'm thinking that in general the clever answers to the other 'What Would YOU Do?' questions in those Boy's World back numbers were equally flawed. This is why I have, throughout my life, avoided giant squids, carnivorous plants, huge snap-shut clams, molten lava, ferocious whirlpools, and doomed sinking ships. Therein may lie true wisdom.