What do I get through my front door? I may get a few birthday cards in July, and a few Christmas cards in December. Twice a month I get free Club magazines. There's a constant, but not overwhelming, stream of junk mail. Then there are local booklets, leaflets and fliers delivered by an unseen hand. And plastic charity bags delivered in the same way, to put my unwanted clothes into for collection, that I consider to be scams and ignore. (I take such clothes personally to the charity shop of my own choice) Occasionally, I'll get small items I've ordered online.
This all cumulatively sounds a lot. But really, compared to many other households, I get very little post through my front door. I've made it that way. I want as much as possible - certainly everything that would once have been put into a typed or handwritten letter - sent electronically as an email, or as an attachment to an email. This makes sense for me, as I'm away from home so much. I need to be able to read communications while out on the road, when holidaying far from home, and not wait until I'm back.
Proper paper letters - if I get them - are often impersonal, addressed to me as 'the Occupier' or 'the Resident'. It's a little unusual to get something addressed to me by name. If it happens, it'll likely be something from the DWP about my State Pension, or from HMRC about the PAYE coding for my Civil Service Pension. Something important. So if any sender addresses their paper letter to me using my proper name, I'll assume it's essential to open the envelope carefully to see what's inside.
Well, a couple of days ago I got just such a letter. It was addressed to 'Ms L Melford'. (How I hate being called 'Ms'. It's 'Miss'!) It began thus:
This winter, here's an easy answer to a difficult question - and something important you should know.
Dear Ms Melford,
As the nights close in and 2024 begins to draw to a close, our thoughts turn to family, friends and what the future may hold. Which may be why at this time of year, more people choose to put their funeral plan in place - and you may wish to as well. Having a funeral plan in place can be a huge relief, and means you can rest easy over the coming festive period. A funeral plan ensures your wishes are respected, your funeral arrangements are guaranteed and you don't need to think or worry about it ever again.
It was from a company called Pure Cremation. It was urging me to apply for one of their simple, no-frills cremations. (The credit agency Experian had pointed them in my direction - they were quite open about that)
The cost? If I died suddenly, without pre-purchasing their plan, but my 'loved ones' bought a Pure Cremation funeral for me themselves, they'd currently pay £1,645. That's certainly much less than the usual price for a funeral. If I applied now, myself, while still alive, it would cost me £1,895, with the plan effective immediately. But I could spread the cost over as much as 120 months - ten years - at only £24.99 per month. Although the total paid would then be £2,998.80, and I'd not be covered for the first two years.
Well, these amounts don't seem unreasonable, and are attractive if simplicity and low cost are of paramount importance. But I have no plans to bale out this winter. Nor, if I have my way, at any time before my 100th birthday in 2052. Nobody knows what the body-disposal options will be that far into the future. And I reckon Pure Cremation won't be around by then anyway. So this is one for the bin.
To be honest, I'm not really interested in what happens to my lifeless remains. I will have ceased to exist, and can't possibly care. I do however fancy having a commemorative bench seat somewhere, perhaps in a country churchyard. Although a seat with an estuary view (as at Padstow in Cornwall) would be even nicer! There'd be a plate on it that said 'Lucy Melford. 1952-2052 (or whatever the year of death would be). A free and independent woman who loved photography. Remember her.'
Pure Cremation must know their market, and are not wrong to suppose that winter weighs heavily on many elderly people's minds, even if not on mine. Certainly, many oldies do not enjoy good health, and fret a lot about inflicting the cost of a sudden funeral on their family, even if I don't. And certainly, the cold and dark months are the likeliest for deaths in old age. So I don't think their writing to me is in any way out of order. They can't know my state of health (pretty good), nor my circumstances (no family to worry about).
But I do hope cremation plan letters don't become an annual event. It won't be such a merry Christmas if I'm pestered with things like this.
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