An annoying mistake with consequences

Back in July 2019 I wrote a post titled I must look married. This what I wrote:

I style myself 'Miss', and have done this for many years.

I was in fact married once, and could - if I wanted to - claim 'Mrs' for a title. But 'Mrs' implies the existence of a husband, current or former. I don't want to give the impression that there's a man in the background.

My marriage was not a success, and ended in divorce. I'd rather not dwell on the saga. I made a bad mistake. It was of course a relief to escape from something that had gone wrong - no doubt the feeling was mutual - but then there was the inevitable self-analysis that followed, which drove down my self-confidence and self-esteem. The divorce proceedings, when they finally came, were stressful and coincided with a major conflict at work. I emerged from both these disasters feeling wretched, and heavily diminished as a person. It took me a while to rebuild my life. I was damaged, wary of relationships, and determined not to repeat the experiment.

Calling myself 'Mrs' would invite enquiries into that unhappy part of my personal history. I just don't want to discuss it.

So I've called myself 'Miss' instead. I don't mind the idea that I've stayed single. That doesn't matter one bit. The semi-pejorative term 'spinster' belongs to a past era, and no longer carries any stigma. In society as it now is, adult women can be completely independent, as a matter of free choice. I could be any lady who put her career first, and now enjoys an active retirement without family and without ties. I don't even mind if someone decides that I must be too quirky or too unattractive to have ever been fancied.

There was also - ten years ago, now - a possibility of going semi-professional with my photography, and I reckoned that 'Miss' was a better title to use for that venture than 'Mrs' would be. Nothing came of it. By mid-2011, I had sold off my expensive photo equipment and was resigned - in truth, perfectly contented - to remain strictly an amateur snapper. But I kept up the 'Miss'. It was by then very much part of my self-image.

I would have thought that long use of 'Miss' - telling the world that I was single - would have a big effect on my demeanour. Surely I couldn't have the air of a wife? Surely I seemed at ease about having no partner, as if it were my natural and deliberately chosen state? I even thought that I might come across as irredeemably self-reliant, perhaps even intimidatingly independent.

So I have thought. But I don't often get called 'Miss' by the strangers I encounter. Almost invariably, whenever I turn up anywhere - a caravan booking for instance - I get called 'Mrs Melford'. It could simply be that 'Mrs' is widely regarded as a more courteous title than 'Miss', especially for an older woman. I do see that where the title is unknown, or not clear, it's a reasonably safe bet that an older woman will have been married at least once in her life. So using 'Mrs' is likely to be a good guess.

Do I mind? Not really. I always let it pass. It seems unnecessary, and punctilious, to correct the speaker (who might be male or female). I suppose I'm signalling 'Yes, I'm on my own, but I used to be married'. And indeed, that's no less than the truth. But I shouldn't conclude that they think I'm a divorced lady. I'm quite old enough to be a widow - although if anybody is assuming a past tragedy, they must think me very resilient - a merry widow indeed!

What miffs me is not radiating obvious singleness. Somehow I'm sending out the kind of vibes that a married woman does. Is this because I've absorbed the ways of my local married girl friends, whom I see a lot of? If so, which ways in particular? And how did I do it - through some sort of social osmosis?

I shouldn't complain. As I'm so often taken for a married lady, it's rare not to get a high degree of respect, kindness and courtesy wherever I go. Who am I to cavil? And although I keep my wedding-ring finger bare, I'm clearly taken to be either the victim of a bad marriage, or a widow, and in either case worthy of gentle treatment. In most cases, it's not worthwhile to correct such assumptions.

As I want no more entanglements, and no more relationships, I'm happy to play along with any kind of misunderstanding that keeps all potential suitors at a manageable distance. On the whole, I think that being a 'probable Mrs' keeps me safer from unwanted attention than being an 'obvious Miss'. Safer from which predators? I'm talking about a certain type of older man who is on the lookout for a Useful Woman. In other words, somebody needing a home help, or a nurse, or a house that can be turned into money for their personal spending. I intend to stay nimbly out of their way.

Has anything changed in the last four years? Nothing at all in my point of view. The above words still stand. But the 'wedding ring' finger of my left hand acquired a ring in July 2022 - my 70th Birthday Ring. I decided that it was a waste of that finger to leave it bare, and so my white gold and pale sapphire birthday ring, made for me by Ditchling jewellers Pruden & Smith, was designed to fit that finger. And I have worn it non-stop ever since then as a never-take-off item. This is the ring in question, back in June 2022 when first trying it on:

And here am I wearing it more recently at Canterbury, in April 2023:

The thing is, while it's a very nice ring, it doesn't look like a traditional wedding ring. It's not yellow gold; there are no diamonds. Any woman would realise that the ring probably isn't a wedding ring. 

Would a man? Specifically, a man in the motor trade? I'm assuming that I don't have the manner of a married woman. But could a man take a glance at that birthday ring and draw entirely the wrong conclusion about my present status, and which title I should have? I'm thinking this has happened.  

It's connected with my test drive and purchase of my new car Sophie at the end of October. The salesman, an alert and very pleasant young man, took one look at me and assumed my title on Volvo and DVLA forms would be 'Mrs'. I didn't realise that straight away. But as we waded through the paperwork I noticed the mistake, and drew his attention to it. He corrected my title to 'Miss', and indeed that's what it says on the Sale Agreement. But afterwards he passed everything to the Admin staff, who for some reason revived the error when filling in the previous owner's form V5C. This was the form that told the DVLA that I was the new keeper of the car. Admin called me 'Mrs' instead of 'Miss'. 

Consequently when the new form V5C arrived yesterday - and I was eagerly waiting for it, for a reason that will become clear - it correctly named me as 'Lucy Melford', and showed the right address, but had my title down as 'Mrs'. 

Damn. That was no good. So I filled in that part of the form for correcting mistakes, or updating name and address details, and posted it back first class, just making the afternoon postal collection. Now I'll have an even longer wait for a perfect V5C. I imagine my 'minor' correction won't get much priority. At first I felt pretty annoyed at the Admin mistake. That's eased off. I've reflected that it was perhaps a natural error to make; and in any case, I've set the ball rolling on a remedy. A shrug of the shoulders then. But that said, I'm not a very patient person, and I hate waiting when it's not my fault.   

Why does it matter to me?

Well, all the 'official' ID items that mention my title - my driving licence, NHS Medical Card, the debit card for my bank account, my credit card, and so on - call me 'Miss'. Nothing calls me 'Mrs'. For the sake of consistency, if nothing else, everything needs to be 'Miss'. In the particular case of the V5C, there must be no possible question of there being two Lucy Melfords, one called 'Miss' and the other called 'Mrs' - mother and daughter say; or aunt and niece. Any confusion creates issues. I can well remember the suspicious jobsworth who was examining the green forms at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) back in 2007. He'd never pass any conflict between one part of my ID being 'Miss' and another being 'Mrs'. (Thankfully, that wasn't the actual issue at the time) 

In a nutshell, I don't want the bother of having to explain an avoidable discrepancy. 

But there's more. Next week my caravan goes in for a service, some work on the hitch mechanism, and for an electrical job. It's still sporting Fiona's number plate, SC10 CUR. When hitched up to Sophie, and being towed to the caravan dealer's, it'll have to show Sophie's plate at the rear. At the moment that's KR16 WFX, and I have a spare yellow rear plate ready to swap in. But I had hoped to stick on Sophie's 'proper' plate, OO15 SHE instead. I have the relevant form (V750) in my hands, which says that 'Miss Lucy Melford' owns the right to display OO15 SHE. I'd think that the DVLA will ask questions if 'Mrs Lucy Melford' - presently Sophie's registered keeper - applies to display OO15 SHE. So there's another practical reason why I had to send the V5C back for correction, and grind my teeth in frustration meanwhile.

I did look up what the law might be on the use of titles. If there's no question of fraud, then anything goes. I'm on safe ground. I might be out of step with traditional custom, or current notions of political correctness, but that's all. I still see my use of 'Miss' as a relic of my aborted attempt to embark on a later-life professional career, and I don't want to be stuck with 'Mrs' as a constant reminder that my marriage failed. Plus, as that 2019 post explains, there's no stigma nowadays to be seen as a senior lady who kept her freedom. Such ladies can have a lot of fun, you know.