I must look married

I style myself 'Miss', and have done this for many years.

I was in fact married once, and could - if I wanted to - claim 'Mrs' for a title. But 'Mrs' implies the existence of a husband, current or former. I don't want to give the impression that there's a man in the background.

My marriage was not a success, and ended in divorce. I'd rather not dwell on the saga. I made a bad mistake. It was of course a relief to escape from something that had gone wrong - no doubt the feeling was mutual - but then there was the inevitable self-analysis that followed, which drove down my self-confidence and self-esteem. The divorce proceedings, when they finally came, were stressful and coincided with a major conflict at work. I emerged from both these disasters feeling wretched, and heavily diminished as a person. It took me a while to rebuild my life. I was damaged, wary of relationships, and determined not to repeat the experiment.

Calling myself 'Mrs' would invite enquiries into that unhappy part of my personal history. I just don't want to discuss it.

So I've called myself 'Miss' instead. I don't mind the idea that I've stayed single. That doesn't matter one bit. The semi-pejorative term 'spinster' belongs to a past era, and no longer carries any stigma. In society as it now is, adult women can be completely independent, as a matter of free choice. I could be any lady who put her career first, and now enjoys an active retirement without family and without ties. I don't even mind if someone decides that I must be too quirky or too unattractive to have ever been fancied.

There was also - ten years ago, now - a possibility of going semi-professional with my photography, and I reckoned that 'Miss' was a better title to use for that venture than 'Mrs' would be. Nothing came of it. By mid-2011, I had sold off my expensive photo equipment and was resigned - in truth, perfectly contented - to remain strictly an amateur snapper. But I kept up the 'Miss'. It was by then very much part of my self-image.

I would have thought that long use of 'Miss' - telling the world that I was single - would have a big effect on my demeanour. Surely I couldn't have the air of a wife? Surely I seemed at ease about having no partner, as if it were my natural and deliberately chosen state? I even thought that I might come across as irredeemably self-reliant, perhaps even intimidatingly independent.

So I have thought. But I don't often get called 'Miss' by the strangers I encounter. Almost invariably, whenever I turn up anywhere - a caravan booking for instance - I get called 'Mrs Melford'. It could simply be that 'Mrs' is widely regarded as a more courteous title than 'Miss', especially for an older woman. I do see that where the title is unknown, or not clear, it's a reasonably safe bet that an older woman will have been married at least once in her life. So using 'Mrs' is likely to be a good guess.

Do I mind? Not really. I always let it pass. It seems unnecessary, and punctilious, to correct the speaker (who might be male or female). I suppose I'm signalling 'Yes, I'm on my own, but I used to be married'. And indeed, that's no less than the truth. But I shouldn't conclude that they think I'm a divorced lady. I'm quite old enough to be a widow - although if anybody is assuming a past tragedy, they must think me very resilient - a merry widow indeed!

What miffs me is not radiating obvious singleness. Somehow I'm sending out the kind of vibes that a married woman does. Is this because I've absorbed the ways of my local married girl friends, whom I see a lot of? If so, which ways in particular? And how did I do it - through some sort of social osmosis?

I shouldn't complain. As I'm so often taken for a married lady, it's rare not to get a high degree of respect, kindness and courtesy wherever I go. Who am I to cavil? And although I keep my wedding-ring finger bare, I'm clearly taken to be either the victim of a bad marriage, or a widow, and in either case worthy of gentle treatment. In most cases, it's not worthwhile to correct such assumptions.

As I want no more entanglements, and no more relationships, I'm happy to play along with any kind of misunderstanding that keeps all potential suitors at a manageable distance. On the whole, I think that being a 'probable Mrs' keeps me safer from unwanted attention than being an 'obvious Miss'. Safer from which predators? I'm talking about a certain type of older man who is on the lookout for a Useful Woman. In other words, somebody needing a home help, or a nurse, or a house that can be turned into money for their personal spending. I intend to stay nimbly out of their way.