Finally, a great use for my sexy red knickers!

These three pairs of Marks & Spencer scarlet knickers were still lurking in one of my drawers (no pun intended). I hadn't worn them for years. For a very long time they had been merely 'standby knickers' - something I could wear towards the end of a long caravan holiday if I'd used up all my ordinary black knickers. And nowadays, with so many black knickers to wear (I bumped up my stock a while back) it would be very, very unusual to scrape the barrel so much that I needed to put on one of these red ones. I'd almost certainly do some hand-washing instead, and stick with black.

And there was no other reason to encase the Melford parts in fancy scarlet underwear. I never spent hours hanging around in the doorway of my caravan, giving likely punters the old come-on. Nor did I sit inside after dark, on view, illuminated with a red light while I did my photo-editing. And back in the village, I guarded my good reputation most carefully. Any whisper of scarlet knickers would have been my undoing, if ever I were persuaded to stand for the Parish Council. 

If I'd only thought of it, I could have given these redundant red knickers away to a passing tramp. But I hadn't. 

But I've now discovered a very good use for them.

In recent days it has looked increasingly likely that the government will shortly announce certain relaxations of the 'stay at home' rules - but with safeguards that won't make it seem exactly bother-free. I'm thinking they'll let many more shops and businesses reopen, and allow a lot more travel, provided that when people use public transport, or go into a shop or office, or indeed into any building where they will encounter other people and can't practice social distancing, they wear a face mask.

As I've already said, I have no faith in a face-covering being an effective barrier to a microscopic virus that will just float nonchalantly through the weave of the fabric. However, the government seems to have accepted evidence that a mask can help a bit to hinder the free dispersal of viruses from any infected person who wears one and is given to breathing. 

Hinder, but not halt. So I intend to rely on social distancing where strangers are concerned - and not assume that someone with a mask on is 'safe', and that I'll be OK if he or she comes within touching distance.

I don't normally use public transport, preferring my own car every time - and particularly in these times - but I will clearly need to don a mask in some circumstances that could well arise. I don't want to wear one, but will if the rules say I must. It'll be an acceptable condition of getting out much more. I won't need to put the damned thing on all the time I'm out. Not while driving around, nor when scaling the rugged peaks of the South Downs, nor when fending off the grizzlies catching salmon at the mouths of the Adur, Arun, Ouse or Cuckmere.

So my thoughts have been turning to making one or two masks at home. Two should be enough, wearing them on alternately, and washing them very carefully in between.

I have sharp fabric scissors, plenty of needles and thread, and some elastic for ear loops. But what should I use for fabric? Cotton would be best. But popping out to a fabric shop isn't an option just now. So what about making two masks from material at home - meaning from old or little-used clothing? 

I opened my wardrobe doors, and considered the contents. If I were going to do this at all, I'd want my personal mask to be an individualistic item, quite unlike anybody else's, in a colour that didn't make me look like a nurse or a patient. So the usual pale, drab or neutral colours were a no-no. Something much brighter and more attractive. Orange, yellow or red.

Red...and this is when I thought of those redundant knickers. It seemed a perfect solution. Then I wouldn't have to butcher my best summer tops!

I got them out. Yes, they had a fancy front, highly decorated with lacy bits and a little bow. Totally thrilling to a passing tramp, anathema to prim village folk. (They hadn't liked my spiked collar and lash either) The back was soft smooth cotton, which felt nice to touch. 

Hmm. I was letting myself in for a fair bit of cutting and sewing. Could these garments be used as masks as-is? Just as they were, with some way of attaching them to my ears? Ah, yes...a couple of clothes-pegs should do it...

Perfect. I was in business. I experimented with the look. It was a very good lower-face covering. And using these garments uncut meant that they extended downwards like a bib, catching all the phlegm, spittle and vomit I might eject while in someone's vicinity. Yes, I'd created something very useful. Simple to do. Practical and dignified.

Did it make me look like a bank robber? Well, perhaps it did, but I reasoned that no bank robber would think of using a pair of red knickers for a mask, and people would work that out. Of course they would. You have to treat them as adults. 

It made an admirable disguise! Nobody would ever realise it was me under that scarlet mask. I'd have to lift it up very now and then, and say, 'It is I, Lucy' or something along those lines. 

Curious how different one looked with the lower half of the face concealed. But it was still possible to express emotions and one's state of mind. Mainly done with the eyes, and the tilt of the head. For instance, cool appraisal:

Or surprise:

Or good humour:

Or a look denoting soul, and great spirituality:

Well, this is obviously a runner. Rest assured, I won't rely on the pegs. I'll attach elastic lops for my ears. 

Footnotes

# Yes, yes, I do understand that my nose has to be covered as well. My error. This was in any case just the prototype, the mock-up, the Mark I version. In the Dragon's Den I'd wear my mask so that it showed only my eyes, not the noble Melford olfactory organ.

# In case I do want to mess about with scissors and needles, I have found a website that gives instructions on how to make different types of face-mask. It's here: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prevent-getting-sick/diy-cloth-face-coverings.html. And there are others. Maybe I will go the extra mile on manufacture, just for the sake of it. I mean, it would be hurtful and embarrassing if people kept pointing out that my face mask looked exactly like a pair of red knickers!