Friday, 21 August 2015

What would I want a man for?

That sounds like a silly or naïve question, doesn't it? But actually, if I amend the title of this post to 'What are older men for, in one's own later life?'. Then the question begins to seem not so daft - nor quite so easy to answer.

For when you are managing the solo life very well indeed, and are not bothered about sex one little bit - what then could having a man around possibly add? Let's analyse this.

Important reasons to have a man around
# Loving companionship, including sex and cuddles, and someone to care for and be proud of.
# Social 'twoness' - most things are geared to couples, rather than single people.
# Social status - single people have a harder time.
# The chance of a family.
# Acquisition of a breadwinner, and therefore a better lifestyle.
# Acquisition of a handyman and fixer, and generally a useful person who can do things for you.
# You won't be alone.

Caveats
# The man may have character flaws, or annoying habits, or hurtful tendencies, that undermine the love.
# It may not be a balanced relationship - he may think he's the more important partner.
# He may be a clumsy or inept father.
# He may be mean with his money - or waste it on expensive hobbies.
# He may be lazy or ineffectual.
# He may ignore you, so that you are even lonelier than when single.

Why I wouldn't want a man around
# I'm done with relationships. I've had enough. Long-lived or short-lived, all my past ones (over a span of forty years) have come to nothing. My track record is 100% failure. I think now that parental and societal pressures pushed me onto the wrong people, with inevitably poor results. A differently-based approach might work better now, but really I have no evidence whatever that a future relationship could succeed.
# I like being on my own. I like the freedom and the control. Psychologically, solitude is right for me and I crave it after a while, whatever the company. I'd suffocate in a relationship. I don't want to 'belong' to anyone. Nor do I want them to 'belong' to me. I firmly believe that being on my own is my natural state, what I'm temperamentally most suited to.
# I'm socially confident, and being single doesn't bother me one bit. It's a distinction I flaunt.
# I don't want a family.
# I have enough money to live pretty well, and another income wouldn't make me happier.
# My neighbours fill the various handyman roles.
# I don't know what loneliness is. I'm lacking that gene.

All that's off the top of my head. It seems easy to draw up pros and cons. But I still don't feel I'm getting to the heart of the matter. Let's try another approach: how do I look to local men?

My public position is this. It's known that I'm on my own, with no ties whatever. I own my own home outright - a valuable asset. I have a comfortable income, enough to live a life of leisure on. I drive a nice car, which hints at money in the bank. I'm obviously in good health. I can afford to dress well, and eat out when I want to. It's clear that I like a pleasant social life. I'm friendly, and have plenty to say if the company is convivial. The only serious thing against me is my obvious age - even if sixty is supposed to be the new forty. And some might consider me too lacking in prettiness, or too tubby. But attractiveness is a mixture of many things, and I believe that the average older man might look at the whole package and think it worth investigating.

Locally I've been an unknown for many years. But that's changing. And as I get seen around more, and become better-known, local men are naturally going to start considering this merry-eyed lady, and whether I ought to be pursued.

I'm not trying to flatter myself. Money will dominate their thoughts. Only pound signs will be in their eyes.

I am quite sure that, given my status as an unattached divorcée of independent means and significant assets (real or supposed), it's inevitable that some speculation over a pint or two at the pub will take place, myself being considered quite dispassionately as a potential business proposition. Some builder, for instance, will regard my house as a place to sell, or to raise a big loan on; in any event, as as a nice fat bit of capital that can be thrown at a profitable development they have in mind. Ways and means to part me from my chief asset may get discussed. And a semi-amorous approach, to sound me out, may then take place.

So I'm on my guard.

I hasten to say that I am not currently getting besieged by speculative builders ringing my doorbell and chatting me up. But I can see that it could gradually start to happen, and I must have my responses ready.

3 comments:

  1. Men are like children, fun in small doses but to be ejected after a short while. Some jars are getting harder to open but I find that most men are no better at that than we are!

    ReplyDelete
  2. True.

    From my point of view, men offer nothing I want or need. And I'm very concerned about the 'exploitation' angle. I have no allure unless you consider what I own, and ways to detach me from it. If I fall for flattery I know I will come out a big loser, and kick myself for being so silly.

    Lucy

    ReplyDelete
  3. Of course, it doesn't have to be a man. From my experience, same-sex relationships are often favoured by trans women.

    I too am very content with my own company, though I've never had to test that contentment for more than a few weeks. 45 years ago I swapped a mum for a wife, and that's the way it remains. Inevitably, as life progresses, I wonder how it might be if I were alone, and I've concluded that it's the companionship I'd miss the most. I see a beautiful sunset or a noble stag foraging in the forest. Who am I going to tell?

    You, of course, would photograph it and amaze us all on your Flickr site. And long may that continue.

    Angie x

    ReplyDelete

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Lucy Melford