Friday, 21 August 2015

What would I want a man for?

That sounds like a silly or naïve question, doesn't it? But actually, if I amend the title of this post to 'What are older men for, in one's own later life?'. Then the question begins to seem not so daft - nor quite so easy to answer.

For when you are managing the solo life very well indeed, and are not bothered about sex one little bit - what then could having a man around possibly add? Let's analyse this.

Important reasons to have a man around
# Loving companionship, including sex and cuddles, and someone to care for and be proud of.
# Social 'twoness' - most things are geared to couples, rather than single people.
# Social status - single people have a harder time.
# The chance of a family.
# Acquisition of a breadwinner, and therefore a better lifestyle.
# Acquisition of a handyman and fixer, and generally a useful person who can do things for you.
# You won't be alone.

# The man may have character flaws, or annoying habits, or hurtful tendencies, that undermine the love.
# It may not be a balanced relationship - he may think he's the more important partner.
# He may be a clumsy or inept father.
# He may be mean with his money - or waste it on expensive hobbies.
# He may be lazy or ineffectual.
# He may ignore you, so that you are even lonelier than when single.

Why I wouldn't want a man around
# I'm done with relationships. I've had enough. Long-lived or short-lived, all my past ones (over a span of forty years) have come to nothing. My track record is 100% failure. I think now that parental and societal pressures pushed me onto the wrong people, with inevitably poor results. A differently-based approach might work better now, but really I have no evidence whatever that a future relationship could succeed.
# I like being on my own. I like the freedom and the control. Psychologically, solitude is right for me and I crave it after a while, whatever the company. I'd suffocate in a relationship. I don't want to 'belong' to anyone. Nor do I want them to 'belong' to me. I firmly believe that being on my own is my natural state, what I'm temperamentally most suited to.
# I'm socially confident, and being single doesn't bother me one bit. It's a distinction I flaunt.
# I don't want a family.
# I have enough money to live pretty well, and another income wouldn't make me happier.
# My neighbours fill the various handyman roles.
# I don't know what loneliness is. I'm lacking that gene.

All that's off the top of my head. It seems easy to draw up pros and cons. But I still don't feel I'm getting to the heart of the matter. Let's try another approach: how do I look to local men?

My public position is this. It's known that I'm on my own, with no ties whatever. I own my own home outright - a valuable asset. I have a comfortable income, enough to live a life of leisure on. I drive a nice car, which hints at money in the bank. I'm obviously in good health. I can afford to dress well, and eat out when I want to. It's clear that I like a pleasant social life. I'm friendly, and have plenty to say if the company is convivial. The only serious thing against me is my obvious age - even if sixty is supposed to be the new forty. And some might consider me too lacking in prettiness, or too tubby. But attractiveness is a mixture of many things, and I believe that the average older man might look at the whole package and think it worth investigating.

Locally I've been an unknown for many years. But that's changing. And as I get seen around more, and become better-known, local men are naturally going to start considering this merry-eyed lady, and whether I ought to be pursued.

I'm not trying to flatter myself. Money will dominate their thoughts. Only pound signs will be in their eyes.

I am quite sure that, given my status as an unattached divorcée of independent means and significant assets (real or supposed), it's inevitable that some speculation over a pint or two at the pub will take place, myself being considered quite dispassionately as a potential business proposition. Some builder, for instance, will regard my house as a place to sell, or to raise a big loan on; in any event, as as a nice fat bit of capital that can be thrown at a profitable development they have in mind. Ways and means to part me from my chief asset may get discussed. And a semi-amorous approach, to sound me out, may then take place.

So I'm on my guard.

I hasten to say that I am not currently getting besieged by speculative builders ringing my doorbell and chatting me up. But I can see that it could gradually start to happen, and I must have my responses ready.


  1. Men are like children, fun in small doses but to be ejected after a short while. Some jars are getting harder to open but I find that most men are no better at that than we are!

  2. True.

    From my point of view, men offer nothing I want or need. And I'm very concerned about the 'exploitation' angle. I have no allure unless you consider what I own, and ways to detach me from it. If I fall for flattery I know I will come out a big loser, and kick myself for being so silly.


  3. Of course, it doesn't have to be a man. From my experience, same-sex relationships are often favoured by trans women.

    I too am very content with my own company, though I've never had to test that contentment for more than a few weeks. 45 years ago I swapped a mum for a wife, and that's the way it remains. Inevitably, as life progresses, I wonder how it might be if I were alone, and I've concluded that it's the companionship I'd miss the most. I see a beautiful sunset or a noble stag foraging in the forest. Who am I going to tell?

    You, of course, would photograph it and amaze us all on your Flickr site. And long may that continue.

    Angie x


This blog is public, and I expect comments from many sources and points of view. They will be welcome if sincere, well-expressed and add something worthwhile to the post. If not, they face removal.

Ideally I want to hear from bloggers, who, like myself, are knowable as real people and can be contacted. Anyone whose identity is questionable or impossible to verify may have their comments removed. Commercially-inspired comments will certainly be deleted - I do not allow free advertising.

Whoever you are, if you wish to make a private comment, rather than a public one, then do consider emailing me - see my Blogger Profile for the address.

Lucy Melford