Friday, 23 November 2012

The strange problems of some men

Oh dear. I've just heard that the husband of one of my female cousins 'can't handle' a pre-Christmas meetup with me. And so an encounter I was looking forward to will be cancelled so that this man's comfort will be preserved.

It is commonly the case that men who consider themselves to be particularly masculine find it difficult to cope with trans women. I can understand how a trans woman could be a problem for a macho man who would ordinarily enjoy female company, and yet can't get past a trans woman's perceived 'male origin'. But I have no idea what the precise problem is here.

The man concerned was very civil to me when we last met two years ago at a family funeral, but we said little. I suppose he was embarrassed how I looked, which was not surprising as my appearance was still evolving. He might think that I'm still the same as I was then. But even if he realises that my appearance and manner must have improved, there could be a problem - that little issue of his body reacting to strong female signals while his mind pulls sharply the other way. If that's how it is, then he'd naturally want to avoid a meeting.

But I don't really know, and I won't find out if he keeps his distance. The pity of it is that while he feels this way it inhibits my opportunities of seeing his wife, my cousin. The situation is much the same with my step-daughter: a particularly masculine husband who can't help feeling uncomfortable. I don't know how to tackle this. There is certainly no solution if a perpetual standoff is kept up.

It's really quite a shock to be reminded that the world is not composed solely of supportive friends, accepting neighbours, and unconcerned strangers. There are people out there who can't embrace you, either literally or as a concept. And they feel they have good reasons. But sadly their attitude achieves only alienation and unhappiness.


  1. My own, long, personal experience tells me that when someone can't stand to be in the same room with one of us, it has more to do with their own gender/sexuality issues than it has to do with us.

  2. Or maybe they are simply unwilling to subvert what their senses tell them in favor of your definition of reality

  3. Certainly says more about them as less than satisfactory humans than it does about you taking your rightful place in the world.

    Does the meetup have to be with the whole family unit, could you not give her some quality time away from the brute she has married?

    I always assumed that I would encounter rejections but if there have been they have been less direct than you have received, we even have a niece staying with us with her charming boyfriend showing that the world can accept...

  4. He's not a brute, Caroline, although I agree that he and men like him have a problem and need to face up to it. Because of course trans people will become more and more out and about in society at large, and individuals who think they are the sperm of the devil, or sexual vampires, will have to get a grip (as the current expression goes) and get used to us.

    I expect that to such a man, I am the problem, not some hangup in his own mind. It will be quite a challenge to win people like that over. Meanwhile, their attitude is turning parts of my family into no-go areas for me. And it's much too small a family for that to be a tolerable thing.


  5. People have said that, what we do to ourselves and those around us makes us selfish.

    They truly do not understand how much we sacrifice ourselves for the sake of others.

  6. I think Jamie and LeAnne are spot on. Anonymous' comments points to the same thing, they are struggling with their own thoughts. What people don't realise is that we do not pose a threat to them personally but what they are probably thinking is that we represent a 'fly in the ointment' to their 'perfect' view of how it all should be. We are probably imperfections in their eyes. The problems other people have with us is totally down to themselves. For some those problems prove too great a hurdle for them to overcome so we just have to accept that fact. I have suffered similar attitudes in my own family, though I have to say not from blood relatives. There must be something in that. For those who do not know our history I find they have no problems with us.

    Shirley Anne x

  7. Actually, Shirley, I was talking more about the "Larry Craig Effect." For those of you outside the US, Larry Craig was a US Senator, famous for his vocal attacks on homosexuality - that is until he was caught soliciting a police officer for oral sex in an airport bathroom :-)

    It's called over-compensation. And the guys who in public hate us the most, are the ones that in private are looking to get with us, or are fellow T-Girls themselves, deep deep in the closet.

  8. I think Jamiegottagun makes a good point: some of these men are surely borderline trans themselves, and fear that merely speaking with us might tip them over the edge. But not all men can be like that.

    I don't know what the precise issue is with the man I speak of in my post, and I am unlikely to find out from his own lips.

    As to Caroline's question on whether I couldn't perhaps see his wife on her own, this isn't really possible. She lives a long way away, and I'd have to be on holiday in the area in order to 'drop in', and it isn't a part of the country I visit often. We are only likely to meet again if there is another big family event, and there is nothing on the horizon just now.


  9. He may be worried that you may 'make a pass' at him !
    (Which of course you would not.)
    If he gave himself the chance to get to know you as a person rather than as a concept he would probably soon learn to feel much more comfortable with you.


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