Sunday, 21 October 2012

Attacked in public

Live and let live, I say. We all have to get along. I personally don't mind if I share the world with all kinds of people. So long as they are kind and compassionate, and live useful and cheerful lives, then I think they should be given respect and a stake in society.

But some people overstep the mark, and attack you in public for no reason.

A case in point. Yesterday was a social double bill. I met my sister-in-law G--- in Chichester for lunch and a look around the shops. Then I cut back to Brighton, to have an evening meal and a drink with friends in a Kemp Town pub called The Barley Mow. All was going well until I went up to the bar to order a drink. Two girls were there. Something about them made me say, 'Gosh, you both look brilliant!'. Next thing I know, they had transformed, and had seized me, and were making ready to tear my throat out:

Fortunately I remembered what you had to say when seized by zombies, and in a ringing voice I cried: 'Fundamenta eius in montibus sanctis!' and I knew I would live. Then I paid for my glass of house white, and rejoined my friends.

These zombies are a real nuisance. You never suspect that the person you are talking to is one. They catch you off-guard. One minute they are all smooth-talking and smooth-faced - a bit like politicians really - then the next instant boils erupt on their faces and blood oozes from their dripping maws, the blood of their recent victims. They don't drink it, they just go for your throat and savage you a bit. It's just something they do. Personally, I say why not? Unless, of course, their lifeless eyes fix on you.

Vampires are nicer, more sophisticated, albeit in an insinuating, serpentine sort of way. And they look after themselves much better. The skincare is remarkable. All smooth and plump, a bit like a politician. They always have nice white teeth, plenty of them, and really sharp. Presumably they must spend half an hour a day flossing and brushing to get them like that. But you have to watch them. They still get you into lots of uncomfortable situations. Again and again I have listened to their spiel, and then wake up next morning in some chilly crypt with a punctured throat. It happens over and over again. Will I never learn? What I should do, when faced with a vampire, is utter the the Unknown Last Line of the Saaamaaa Ritual. Trouble is, as it's unknown, you can never trot it out as and when needed. And you can't simply look it up in Wikipedia. Tsk.

Three years ago, in another Brighton pub, the vampires and zombies were out in force, and all we could do was look on in horror as they rampaged:

I seem to like wearing grey for these occasions. To strike the serious note. The grey says, 'I'm a serious person. Stop this nonsense now.' But it has no effect. Well, if these people want victims, what can you do? Sigh.


  1. Brighton pubs were so much quieter when I visited you...

  2. I think they're all weird down south....LOL. Me? I would start drinking in another pub!

    Shirley Anne x


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