Oh dear. I'm not well at the moment. It's another upset tummy, from a Thai meal on Sunday night, I think. I felt half-dead yesterday, but today I'm able to convince myself that I'm over the worst. Certainly up to looking at my emails and posting something on my blog. But my plans for the next two days have been scrapped. I don't want to be far from home, certainly not out driving, so long as my tummy feels slightly queasy, and there are suspicious gurglings coming from lower down.
So I'm indoors, not doing much, hardly eating of course, mostly just sitting around, reclined if not actually in bed sleeping - for sleep is a marvellous cure for most things connected with dodgy eating and drinking.
Naturally I've not been putting on a bra. And strangely this spell of enforced convalescence seems to have reduced the apparent size of my boobs! Why, I do not know. Although they are still most definitely more prominent than they were a year ago, I'm afraid the bumps have never ballooned as much as I could have wished, and my current indisposition hasn't improved matters. No doubt they will be resurgent, to a degree, but they'll never give me a cleavage to be proud of.
What to do? One can resort to all kinds of artificial measures, but personally I find artificiality repugnant. I think the answer lies in cultivating the right attitude of mind.
Before me is the 2004 edition of What Not To Wear:The Rules by Trinny Woodhall and Susannah Constsantine. These two ladies seem to have disappeared from our TV screens of late, but in their time they were fashion gurus, or more particularly, ladies who were doing their best to point out the mistakes people were making with their clothes, and to prescribe what they considered to be The Right Way. It was fun to see the likes of Jeremy Clarkson being subjected to their no-nonsense ministrations. Not so much fun to see them boss less self-assertive people around. If I say that I was never quite sure that I liked their tone, you'll get the picture, and we can leave it at that.
In their slim volume about The Rules, however, that tone is under better control, and there are passages that give hope and encouragement. Take this, which is about having Big Tits:
People may look at you and think you have an amazing pair of tits - so what's the problem? Well, for a start, Susannah knows, and Trinny can imagine, that buying dresses, suits and coats to fit both the top and bottom halves of your body requires a degree in anatomy. And whilst we're all in favour of a girl making the most of her natural assets, she needs to be careful not to look top-heavy or tarty. It is lovely having men magnets when you're out on the town, but there are times when you want to be appreciated for your brain power. This requires decorous dressing and the implementation of surrepticious tricks to tone things down. The primary tool, and one that will become indispensable, is a well-fitting bra. Invest what ever it takes to find the best one for you. Hoick your tits up high and push them forward with under-wires and strong straps. Armed with the right bra, you are in control of your jugs rather than the other way around. It's much more exciting having tits that can be exhibited as and when the occasion requires.
And then this, on having No Tits:
If you are the owner of a chest bereft of tits, you have no doubt longed for boobs, thought about surgery and tried all breast-enhancing trickery to boost what isn't there. The ironic thing is, many big-titted women look at the daintily endowed with envy. Susannah longs to be able to wear clothes that Trinny can. Loads of clothes look better worn by flat-chested women. They hang better and this must surely be a compensating factor for worrying about not being sexy. You don't need tits to be alluring and at least you should have the choice of a breast day or a non-breast day. You can boost your sexiness with padded bras and silicone extras. We know it's hard sometimes for the unattached, because young men especially need an eyeful of tit before they even talk to you. Maybe this isn't such a bad thing, as turn this notion on its head and your dainty boobs are actually a filter for all the jerks out there. An added bonus is that there isn't a single coat or jacket you won't look fab in.
The ladies have spoken. But in truth, their words have given me great consolation, and that has saved this little book being tossed into my bin in seething annoyance, because I really do not like their prescriptive tone. But I can recognise wise words when I read them.
They're absolutely right about small boobs filtering out young men. They never ever talk to me. Only the old codgers do.