Friday, 30 December 2011

Scanning old prints - confronting the old life

Since the end of September I've been engaged in a photo project that involves scanning a large number of old prints, burning them onto a series of CDs, and mailing them to my former partner M---.

I could take them personally over to her house, because she lives in the same village - that's only 2 minutes drive, or 12 minutes if walking. But she can't cope with seeing me, and would feel embarrassed if I came to her her door uninvited. And to be honest, I couldn't cope too well if, knowing that she still felt like this, she came to my door uninvited. So we keep off each other's turf, and communicate by means other than face to face. At least we do communicate, and must, so long as this current photo project goes on.

Although our old relationship has come to a painful end, and although M--- feels very resentful about my 'opting out' of a settled life, and taking away our future together - just as if I committed some terrible act of betrayal - she still wants to have those old pre-digital photos that show us as a couple, or show members of her family, or either of us with former friends. This means going through all my prints for the years 1992 to 2000 and selectively scanning them. It's a slow business. Even without any normal editing, the scanning and captioning process can only be done at the rate of 20 shots per hour. So the 388 shots sent to her so far have taken me, on and off, over 19 hours. And I expect to eventually send her over 500 scans. Maybe as many as 1,000.

Why do I do it? We owe each other nothing. All ties have been broken. The last tie, the biggest of all, the debt owing on the Cottage, went last August. We need not now be in touch at all. She already has my digital shots from 2000 to 2010. I certainly feel under no great obligation to supply all these older photographs from the 1990s.

But there are two things. First, I want to do it. I feel that she ought to have these pictures, both to fill gaps in her family history, and to remember occasions that she may have forgotten. And second, I want to remember them too, and place them in my archive. Then I can revisit them very easily.

I feel perfectly cool about seeing the old me. I can recognise the continuity between that person and the present self. Indeed, I'm glad that I took so many photos: I have a marvellous record of how life used to be. Is that an odd thing to say? But not if you are serious about recalling the exact detail of how things really were, insofar as photographs can reveal that. I want a balanced view, not a skewed recollection. I want to appreciate that I was part of some fun events; that we did have jolly and loving moments; but also that there were occasions when the mood was less than perfect, when we put on a front. And times when odd little things were said or done that could not be forgotten. Some of them were said or done by me, and for no reason that was clear at the time. Fits of temper or irritation that came out of the blue. Strange reluctances to do quite ordinary things. I want pictures to prompt remembrance, whatever my present emotional response. I want to recover as much of the truth as possible, in a form that nobody can argue with. Photos are far better than written diaries for this, because they can't be selective. They include everything that was visible. And that has to be an honest thing, a good basis for facing up to how things were, good or bad. Much better than a personal impression backed up by nothing. And it's no good having these visual facts hidden away in dozens of print boxes, gathering dust in one's attic. They need to be highly accessible, just a few clicks away on the PC.

So this project, ostensibly at M---'s request, is partly for me too.

But M--- must feel pain whenever she sees these pictures. I wonder that she can stand it. I have no idea why she wants me to continue.

And when all the scans have been done, and there is nothing else to send, what then? Just silence?

5 comments:

  1. That was a bit of a sad read Lucy. It is such a shame that you two cannot still be friends. It must be taking you ages to do all those scans. Immediately I read that I began to wonder if there was an easier way and there probably is. I think I would have taken photographs of the photographs which could still be stored in the same way. Personally I don't do old photographs. E and I never took many, she was never interested in having her picture taken and I the same. All of our past lies in our memories and for us that works, after all the past is gone and done with. We live for today and look to tomorrow but of course that is only us, others, like yourselves like to browse your past times in pictures. There are one or two old photos of me knocking about somewhere from the past and I've not seen them for years but whenever I did see them it felt as though I was looking at another person and not me at all.

    Shirley Anne xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words...well now...it looks like you have well over a million words worth ( no pun intended ) of story there.

    My sister has been researching our entire family for well over twenty-five years, and has compiled quite the history. And with some of the rare old photos of relatives going back into the 1800's, these photos somehow make the how process just come alive. And not all of my ancestors are socially desirable pillars of society, unlike we ladies here.lol.

    You never know when or how important those photos may become. In a small way you are writing ( photographing ) the final chapter for M---. Call it your farewell gesture of love. You could never be faulted for having done so.

    This project surely has had some rather cathartic feelings for you, and I feel quite sure that you must have had many good times to remember as you do this.

    Maybe a sad post on one hand, but a very interesting one on the other. I'm glad you wrote this one, It may change how some of us here will view our pasts, not with so much disdain, but for the good times there surely must have been.

    Thank you Lucy.

    Hugs and Prayers,

    Cynthia XX

    PS: I may soon be able to let you know where my father was born, and see if you know the locale.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Some job you ave given yourself...

    I innocently thought that I could just photograph some old transparencies but that was far from satisfactory. Just the other week someone gave me an old scanner to try and would you believe it but the last software upgrade stopped a lot of old equipment and software from functioning so back to square one!

    I had to read the post twice to really understand how she was really torturing herself...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hello Lucy-I'm still reading - interesting.
    Is it possible that M thinks she is torturing you or that she feels she is controlling how you spend your free time? Yours is the best guess.
    May the New Year bring all that is good for you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks everyone.

    The scanning is necessary because the prints in question were all made on glossy photo paper, and taking a photograph of them is impossible without reflections spoiling the result. Compounded by some prints being curved and not flat!

    I think that basically M--- wants a full record of the relationship and all its social ramificatons while we are still in contact. Like a divorced wife often wants to keep all the official wedding photos. It doesn't matter that it's all over.

    And she is a little bit like me about having a comprehensive photo archive.

    And yes, she might want to keep me busy at her behest. Although really I could refuse with no comeback, if I felt mean enough. (I'm not so mean)

    She might even feel that she is 'due' all these photos.

    But the pain...I can't see how it's good for her.

    Let's be positive. This project demonstrates that I'm willing to spend time and effort in doing something for another person, even when I can't possibly get anything from it except an email of thanks. It might help to improve our ongoing contact.

    lucy

    ReplyDelete

You must be registered with a proper blogging platform if you wish to make a comment. I have had to deny access to completely anonymous commentators.

This blog is public, and I expect comments from many sources and points of view. They will be welcome if sincere, well-expressed and add something worthwhile to the post. If not, they face removal.

Ideally I want to hear from bloggers, who, like myself, are knowable as real people and can be contacted. Anyone whose identity is questionable or impossible to verify may have their comments removed. Commercially-inspired comments will certainly be deleted - I do not allow free advertising.

Whoever you are, if you wish to make a private comment, rather than a public one, then do consider emailing me - see my Blogger Profile for the address.

Lucy Melford