Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Think of the Good Samaritan

Thanks for the various messages of support, everyone! Yes, it's disturbing when a post-op person says they regard themselves as an 'apprentice woman' (I like this phrase) with some way to go. Many people see the genital surgery as the finishing touch, the final affirmation of womanhood,and don't want to hear that it's only another stage completed.

I was accused by Teagan and her cronies of not being ready for surgery, because I thought the way I did. As if I hadn't thought it all through, whereas I jolly well had, and saw a huge amount of work ahead. It was as unrealistic as getting a brilliant science degree, and then expecting the Nobel Prize to come along without years of research! Or moving to a foreign country, and wanting to blend in and be taken for granted as a native inhabitant, and yet expecting to achieve that without years of assiduous observation and gradual absorption of the entire culture. (I put that simile to Teagan as a comment, but she deleted it.)

Well, I have no worries about seeming apostate. Facts must be faced. If my words seem threatening, just keep hold of the assurance that what I say about myself, however shocking, is not something you should project onto yourself.

Some trans people have deep problems, and need support, not destructive criticism. I'm not going to bash Teagan or anyone else. She needs goodwill, and the helping spirit exemplified by the biblical tale of the Good Samaritan. So do I, although I have to say, in my experience, the righteous are quicker to turn away than cross the road to enquire and assist.

Bottom line: live and let live.

And as for all being girls together, as if we're all the same, please get real. It's nice to feel part of a big society, but I'm firmly in the world as it is, and not in some fairytale wonderland with a special belief-system of its own.


  1. We are all works in progress and know that the project will never be finished, what's more we all have to follow our own path through this without a detailed map.

    The older we are when we tackle this project the more we have to catch up usually without the company of a team undergoing the same growth and training. We may be on our own but we can be honest, realistic and determined to make it work.

    Your openness and candour are refreshing and nobody should doubt that rearrangement of genital area is just a stop along the way and anyone who feels that it is a graduation prize is fooling themselves.

    Caroline xxx

  2. Lucy, I didn't delete your comment. I saw the notification email and read your comment, but it didn't show up on my blog, so I assumed you deleted it.

    It seems that you completely missed the point of my post. I'll try to explain it again. Yes, we all have lots to learn. Yes, we are all behind the 8-ball when it comes to measuring up with natal women. No, GRS is not the end-all and be-all of the process. That was *not* the point.

    The point was that I wasn't sure after reading your post if you truly believe you're a woman, and that people who undergo GRS should believe it. But no worries, Lucy. You've spent a couple thousand words in your last two blog posts and assorted comments insisting that you are. So good. I'm glad you are. Good luck with everything.

    Oh, and by the way. To this...

    Some trans people have deep problems, and need support, not destructive criticism. I'm not going to bash Teagan or anyone else. She needs goodwill...

    If you want to bash me, bash me. I can handle it. I'm a big girl. But this passive-aggressive nonsense... I get enough of that from my ex-wife.

    If you're a woman, stop insisting it so much, and just go be one. The lady doth protest too much, methinks...

  3. @Teagan:
    Hmmm. I do think you could ask yourself why it matters so much that all post-op women must truly feel like 'women'. Worry at this point. Question the mindset behind it. Throw out convention.

    No reply is necessary. If you get an insight, perhaps your own blog is the best place for publication. Do tip me off however if you hit on something really new and intriguing.

    By the way, my sympathies with your personal situation. It's a real problem for you, and I hope you develop a better balance with your ex.

    I'm now going to return to more everyday subjects. Life goes on!

  4. Goddess didn't tell me not to comment on this post. :) I just wish I could remember what I wrote.

    One thing was that I doubt anyone, at least any of us, considers SRS to be an end. It fixes the discrepancy between the sex of the brain and the sex of the body. In my case, it did give me a huge boost in confidence, so it had a psychological effect as well as a physical one. But it didn't "make me a woman." It was a beginning, not an end.

    I think I wrote something as well about how there is no such thing as "what a woman thinks, feels" etc. Women shares some characteristics, but they are individuals. There is no perfect woman. There is no typical woman. I know a lot of women who are quite untypical yet are definitely women.

    As I wrote elsewhere, we become women by growing up among women. We can't do it like girls do, but the process isn't that different. And if analysis works for you, then it does. I have tended to approach it in a more wholistic manner. I learn by immersion and absorption. I did think a lot about it when I was first out, but I think my observation is more subtle now.


This blog is public, and I expect comments from many sources and points of view. They will be welcome if sincere, well-expressed and add something worthwhile to the post. If not, they face removal.

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Lucy Melford