Thursday, 3 February 2011

Mum has been dead two years

3 February: Mum died two years ago today. I'm not going to made a big thing of it this year, but I can't let it pass unmentioned.

Two years ago my transition had started, although hormones were still over a month ahead. I was going about Brighton in full Lucy though. I was dressed thus when the nursing home phoned me about Mum. You can read all about that sad day if you see the post I wrote at the time. An easy way to find it is by searching the blog using the word 'mum'. Don't use 'death': too many results for that word.

Two years. Tempus fugit indeed. What would Mum have said if still alive now, and my surgery looming? She had closed her mind to my transitioning and what it implied about me. I don't think she would have relented. She was a woman of implacable principle. A great strength in some circumstances; but a barrier to closeness and understanding.

Clearly, she was not alone in such high-mindedness. You see it all over the world, in every person in authority who claims to be right. And there are millions who suffer because they are judged 'wrong' or 'misguided' or have 'fallen into error'. Or just different.


  1. Clearly she was not right as the last two years have shown.

    I'm always filled with sadness when I hear with someone whose mother rejected them. Even so it is sad to lose family.

    Caroline xxx

  2. It's so sad that your mother will never know the real you. It's hard enough for many younger people to accept something as far out as changing genders, but it is especially hard for the old folks, who grew up under much simpler rules for living. People with our inclinations were expected to keep it to ourselves, persevere, and just get on with life.

    Melissa XX

  3. I'm sorry you lost your mother before you reconciled. My own mother and I are talking on the phone again. I hope we are making progress toward us seeing each other again before she shuffles off this mortal coil. I credit her for making a good effort so far.

  4. Not for the first time I read your moving poem Under the Sheet and am deeply moved. As mum dies, so Julian dies too and it is impossible to resolve the conflicting emotions - love, regret, loss and (for you) rebirth.

    I lost my mum many years ago and my wife feels sure that her premature departure was the root cause of my yearning for femininity today. So, in ways she could never have imagined, she lives on in me. And today it is clear that your mum lives on in you too.

    Big hugs,
    Angie xx

  5. @Angie:
    Interesting idea about mothers lingering on in their daughters! I look much more like my Dad, and I think I'm closer in spirit to him, but it would be nice if something of Mum found an echo in the new me. I can at any rate make a worthy stab at being the daughter she wanted but never had.


  6. You will never know if she would have accepted you, Lucy. You're right, the acceptance probably would have never come.

    Best to remember the good times.

    Calie xxx


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