Monday, 29 November 2010

Doomsday looms

I go up to see Dr Michael Perring tomorrow, the man who will give a 'second opinion', a psychiatric opinion, on my suitability for genital surgery. As you might imagine, I've been thinking about this vital interview all evening. I thought about it all the way through a BBC4 programme on German art. Then through another programme on Berlin. Serious, distracting stuff; but not serious or distracting enough to quell disturbing visions of making a complete mess of things when I see Dr Perring.

There's no reason at all why I, a sensible person not given to fits of excitability or to reckless impulses, should behave like an idiot, but my unusually nervous mind insists that I will. Isn't that very odd? I suppose it's the thought of being examined for signs of the wrong motives or mistaken self-perception. I haven't faced that sort of thing since I last had a chance of promotion at work - and that was a very long time ago.

I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow feeling perfectly cool and easy about it, and will be able to speak in an entirely natural way to Dr Perring. But it doesn't feel like that at this very moment. It feels as if my surgery will be denied because I couldn't stop making a series of silly flippant remarks. A looming nightmare.

Ah well. I'm off to bed. At least I know what I want to wear. I had to sew a button onto a long grey skirt tonight, and that helped, as will ironing a black top first thing tomorrow, and polishing my black boots, and putting on my pearls. Like kitting up for the battle to come.

I hope the trains are running.

9 comments:

  1. I hope all goes well for you, Lucy. Just be yourself.

    xoxo

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  2. I am sure you with pass with flying colours!

    Break a leg!

    Hugs

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  3. Jeeze Lucy. You are an attractive woman. That is obvious for all to see. Lighten up! You'll be fine. Just relax and be yourself. If you get nervous, take a deep breath. Breathing is a GOOD thing.

    Best of Luck,

    anne

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  4. You'll be just fine, Lucy. I think we all have that nagging, negative little voice of insecurity, that gives us pause from time to time, but deep down in side, there is a stronger voice.......a voice of certitude. It is the voice that has brought you this far. It will not abandon you. Believe in it!

    Melissa XX

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  5. maybe he reads your blog? then he will already know how you are you and just need him to give the say so to complete you. Best of luck xxx

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  6. Hi Lucy
    I have just opened my blog again and I am trying to get back in touch with those friends who I met before I deleted my first blog.

    I caught up with your latest post and thought wow! what a moment, a real pivotal point on your journey.

    I really hope all goes well with your appointment. I'll come back to read how it went.
    I saw you got to meet my dear friend Angie? I loved the picture of you both at the table in the restaurant. Im sorry I just vanished off into the ether but I did enjoy the comments we shared a few times. I hope we can again.

    Take care Lucy.
    Helen x

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  7. I'm sure you will sail through this evaluation! Stay relaxed, don't worry -- I know, easier said than done. But you won't be denied.

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  8. I've just caught up with this post and presume that you did indeed remain cool and your psychiatric stability has now been confirmed. I certainly hope so, but I'm aching to find out how it went.

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  9. Dear all, I think it went all right. Dr Perring was a very nice man, and we didn't seem to have any sticky moments. No sharp intakes of breath. So I am hopeful!

    A proper post asap.

    Lucy

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Lucy Melford