Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Time to get focused

Now that the excitement over the passport has passed, it's time to take stock and see what needs to be done. The driving licence is in hand. But I still need to wrap up Dad's affairs; sell my old home; buy the new car; spring clean the caravan; spring clean the entire house; get the garden in order; make visits to Salisbury, Newport, and some other places; book the Italy holiday with M---; then that drive to Sweden and back. And all the while (so far as breaks allow), press on with hair removal each week, and voice therapy every two weeks - on and on with the transition without easing up.

Looking back, it's been almost like a military campaign so far. As soon as I knew what I had to be, what I had to do, I got on with it. I got on with it so that I wouldn't suffer the anguish of delay. And I've been lucky with my medical team and choice of new friends. Or just lucky.

I have sometimes wondered, as surely you do, whether the knowledge of my need to transition, and the possible consequences, preyed on my Mum and Dad's minds, hastening their deaths. I do believe that the morphine she was taking soon relieved Mum of such worries, and that over the months Dad's view changed from being appalled to some degree of acceptance. But I could not see into their hearts, any more than they or anyone else could see into mine. I simply don't know how they really felt. But I hope that if they could be here now, and watch what is being achieved, they would have much less concern and start to feel hopeful for their child. In a way I owe it to them not to let up. That's the least I can do to repay the incredible gift of security they left me. Repay it with success and a rebuilt life.

7 comments:

  1. Lucy,

    I am an agnostic, but I come from a Christian upbringing. If my Christian teachings are to be believed, then the veil has been lifted from your parents eyes, and they can now see with divine clarity, what you have been going through all of your life.

    Put aside any feelings of guilt, over what your transition may have done to them. Clearly, you loved them both, and surely now, they both know and understand!

    Melissa XX

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  2. I don't tnink that you could have hastened their deaths. They've done research on this which was proved correct by the Earthquake in Los Angeles a few years ago - so put that out of your mind.

    I feel exhausted reading your list, I'm going to have a lie down...

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  3. Hi Lucy
    Its been great to catch up with the posts I have missed over the last week or so. I am thrilled for you and your new passport. That must be such a cherished new document for you to own and I'm sure it will be such a thrill and affirmation of who you really are each time you use it.

    Guilt, shame and fear! Boy the hours we all have wasted on those three ugly sisters. I do understand how you feel though and I'm not being flippant in that last comment at all,I promise.

    I guess the reason we always wonder is the doubt and the fact we may never really know what others think even our own parents. I have to echo Anji and Melissa and say for my two penny worth, your exciting future is so close now that more than anything I'm sure your parents would want you to be happy.

    Have a wonderful trip, look forward to catching up with you again soon
    Helen x

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  4. Thank you all. It's inevitable that you feel some guilt over close family after they die. You worry over not doing enough, not caring enough, or making matters worse than they might have been. I was warned long ago by a friend who had lost his own parents that this is what happens. So true.

    I promise I won't dwell on these negative feelings, but they are bound to return now and then!

    Lucy

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  5. That is certainly quite a shopping list of things to do. Don't forget to include eat and sleep in there on occasion!

    I think too that the feelings of guilt are inevitable. My Dad passed away in 2008 and my wife last year. Neither of them knew of my transition but I find plenty of other things to feel guilt over having done or not done. And in the case of my father transition would NOT have been the the biggest of them. The rest we simply worked our way through and I am pretty comfortable that had they lived this would have been all right also.

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  6. Lucy, no need to dwell on those thoughts for you will never know the answer. The important thing is that you are doing what is right for you and, in the end, they would have understood.

    Calie xxx

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  7. Sad to say not a tear drop wasted for parents who never showed a moments emotional connection to their children and ruled us to the extent that I only had a single item of clothing which I had chosen, a black polo neck pullover, when I left their home to go to university. I only ever returned for visits and to give them help, more than they deserved.

    I was a disappointment to them as they were to me but when you have children you should be prepared to accept them for what they are not what you want them to be. My fate did not prey on their minds and nursing homes took away any security they could have left. Oh well.

    Caroline xx

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Lucy Melford