Now be honest. Are the contents of your handbag typically female (I'm addressing this to MTF persons), or if pulled up by the Sex Police would you fail their tests and be hauled off to jail?
Do you, for instance, carry a Leatherman or a Swiss Army Knife or a baccy pouch and packet of Rizlas? If you do, you're going to join me in Holloway, do not kid yourself. Or worse, in the Scrubs. Yikes!
OK, I'll reveal what's always in the Melford handbag:
Leica D-Lux 4 digital pocket camera
Spare Leica battery
Nokia E71 mobile phone
Hewlett-Packard iPAQ 214 handheld PDA
Mimco luxury leather purse
Powder compact by YSL
Two shades of lipstick
Little fabric purse to put house and car keys in
I'm sorry M'lud, I plead guilty as charged to NOT HAVING ENOUGH GIRLY ITEMS IN MY HANDBAG and of violating the Gender Offences Act 2004, Section 8(3)(b) and also of contravening the requirements set out in Schedule 9, Paragraph 11(f) to the same Act. I would like to say in mitigation that I hate to miss a photo and - oh, hold it there, M'lud, just like that, don't adjust your wig a bit - thanks, M'lud - and I feel that six months in jail without a decent meal would render me incapable of fitting into my newly-bought size 14 skirts. They'd just slide off and fall down to my ankles, and then where would I be? And everything would be six months out of fashion when I emerged, a broken stick insect, how horrible! [Judge orders immediate release for 'the fragrant Miss Melford']