Tuesday, 17 November 2009

What's in your Handbag, then?

Now be honest. Are the contents of your handbag typically female (I'm addressing this to MTF persons), or if pulled up by the Sex Police would you fail their tests and be hauled off to jail?

Do you, for instance, carry a Leatherman or a Swiss Army Knife or a baccy pouch and packet of Rizlas? If you do, you're going to join me in Holloway, do not kid yourself. Or worse, in the Scrubs. Yikes!

OK, I'll reveal what's always in the Melford handbag:

Leica D-Lux 4 digital pocket camera
Spare Leica battery
Nokia E71 mobile phone
Hewlett-Packard iPAQ 214 handheld PDA
Mimco luxury leather purse
Powder compact by YSL
Two shades of lipstick
Nail file
Little fabric purse to put house and car keys in

I'm sorry M'lud, I plead guilty as charged to NOT HAVING ENOUGH GIRLY ITEMS IN MY HANDBAG and of violating the Gender Offences Act 2004, Section 8(3)(b) and also of contravening the requirements set out in Schedule 9, Paragraph 11(f) to the same Act. I would like to say in mitigation that I hate to miss a photo and - oh, hold it there, M'lud, just like that, don't adjust your wig a bit - thanks, M'lud - and I feel that six months in jail without a decent meal would render me incapable of fitting into my newly-bought size 14 skirts. They'd just slide off and fall down to my ankles, and then where would I be? And everything would be six months out of fashion when I emerged, a broken stick insect, how horrible! [Judge orders immediate release for 'the fragrant Miss Melford']


  1. What Every Woman Should Carry

    My mother gave me the prayer to Saint Theresa.

    I added a used tube ticket, Kleenex,

    several Polo mints (furry), a tampon, pesetas,

    a florin. Not wishing to be presumptuous,

    not trusting you either, a pack of 3.

    I have a pen. There is space for my guardian

    angel, she has to fold her wings. Passport.

    A key. Anguish, at what I said/didn’t say

    when once you needed/didn’t need me. Anadin.

    A credit card. His face the last time,

    my impatience, my useless youth.

    That empty sack, my heart. A box of matches.

    -- Maura Dooley, from Sound Barrier

  2. LOL! :)
    that's very funny....what's even funnier (not) is you would probably have to serve the full term as opposed to the early release you could get for armed robbery! That is not a que for you to put a small nikel plated revolver in your handbag for the next time your queueing in the bank either OK? ;)
    Helen (knuckles) Chapel x

    Be good! 'step away from the chanel counter'...slowly!!!

  3. I think I qualify. Here goes....

    large girlie comb, nail file, lip stick, powder pack, paper hankie, Tesco plastic bag (to get the points), purse, mobile phone (pink), PDA, memory stick (pink), car keys, pencil and a pen that says "Stand to attention... wear stockings"

    I've just graduated to a bigger handbag and it's easy to see why.


  4. Wallet (very full)
    Makeup bag
    Hair clips
    Bus schedules
    Cell phone
    Transit tickets

    I say that's girly just by sheer volume. :)

    BTW, I noticed yesterday you did not have a link in T-Central. I added it. If you don't want to be there, please let me know.

  5. Wallet (with pictures of kids and grandbabies. Extra points?)
    cell phone
    loose change
    hand lotion
    car keys

  6. Nail clippers and file, clear polish, tweezers, hair pick and mini brush, 2 lip stains, 1 lipstick, 3 glosses, lip liner, powder, keys, phone, gum, tissue, thin pads, pill box, wallet, coupons, spare earrings, hair scrunchy and clip...

    I don't think the gender police are going to have any issue with me... haha

  7. Mine's boring: purse, with lucky kopeck my daughter gave to me, cheque book, 2 pens, tissues, sunglasses, anti-stress stick (lavender) lip-saver, powdered papers (rose), mini hairbrush with elastic, mirror, paracetemol, cubes of sugar (in case of hypos), lipsticks, emery boards, phone, book and often a small bottle of water, but not today.

  8. A ridiculously oversized make up bag mostly, bursting with stuff, none of which I need to take with me. Ever.

    A pink Breast Cancer Charity filofax

    Random receipts and old tickets, on their way to being lost (only if important)

    Old tissues


    Credit card holder and wallett-y thing (wallet/purse issues have been a constant source of difficulty - trying to find something that takes cards, coins, cash, Tesco vouchers and junk, and doesn't weigh the same as a housebrick etc)

    Blackberry - apparently, as it's never possible to find it

    Pen - if I'm lucky


    And 30lbs of gravel...or so my shoulder seems to tell me quite often.

  9. Well, what a great response from everyone! Clearly this is a topic of some interest.

    I have to say that I vastly prefer carrying my stuff around in a bag rather than cramming it somehow into a series of pockets, as men do.

    I seem to be alone in carrying a bare minimum,strictly enforced, and half of it rather techy, although I was reassured by Angie Davis' PDA. My handbag is clearly far too functional, and needs more clutter. Do bear in mind however that I have several cosmetic bags at home full of things I used to carry like a full range of facial cosmetics, scissors, and so forth, but the weight got a bit too much.


  10. I used to carry powder compact and lipstick, but nowadays I wear minimal makeup so leave them out. Does nobody else carry spare knickers, just in case? I carry a purse for money and about 99 cards of various kinds (credit, debit, library, English Heritage etc), brush and comb for unruly hair, nail file and my favourite poems (Oliver Postgate's Agape, Mary Oliver's Wild Geese and Oriah Mountain Dreamer's The Invitation). Plus diary, chequebook, sudoku book (for when waiting for trains) and possibly the kitchen sink!

  11. I have to add that when occasion demands I cram in an umbrella, a black beret, gloves, scarf, hairbrush, passport, and cheque book. Haven't yet packed a spare pair of knickers, but no doubt this is a hot tip for a long, long day out in the summer.

    Seasoned readers of my blog know that I possess a swanky and uber-expensive Prada black leather handbag which can swallow a raincoat, a change of shoes, and all my cosmetic bags if pushed, yet still make me look like a princess. And a stylish Prada shopping back in white gaberdine that could contain an entire change of clothing, and has actually swallowed my bulky Nikon D700 camera with the zoom lens - that's how I spent a day wandering about Florence last April without fear of getting mugged, as I could keep the Nikon out of sight in between shots.

    But when going into town for shop I like to keep to my basic specification! The Melford muscles can't otherwise cope.

  12. i guess i do just do the blokey thing, cram it all in random pockets and not bother to take v much with me in the first place...

    phone, keys, money, old grotty tissues, *searching pockets* oooh wats that?? ...eugh, and random months old pieces of paper with stuff ive yet to do written on them...

  13. LOL!!

    I suppose that means I need to take the battery powered electric drill out of my Lana Marks bag?


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Lucy Melford