Saturday, 28 November 2009

Confidence

Now why do I feel so confident nowadays? I've been pondering this. I've decided that it's two things.

First, it's the certainty of knowing where I am on the gender spectrum. I'm definitely in my comfort zone. I haven't had to wrestle with myself to get here. It just feels right and proper. It always did, as soon as I realised what I was. It all fell into place. I'm female, and everything flows from that.

Second, it's that name change. I knew it was significant. It marked the final end of the old life. It was decisive. It made it impossible to hide - you can't when the only name you can give, without committing fraud, is 'Miss Lucy Melford'. No ambiguity there at all. That's a woman's name. I'm Lucy Melford. I like my name. I'm proud of it.

And I'm confident.

7 comments:

  1. Its a nice place to be at Lucy
    x

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  2. I'm so glad to hear it. Congrats and keep up the good work! :)

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  3. I love this entry, Lucy. It's great to have that kind of confidence!

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  4. Thanks all! I suppose many other people could have said what I did, but I wanted to get it on record.

    And I do think it's significant that, once I recognised it, I was never in the slightest doubt about being trasgendered. People wanted me to talk it over with alternative therapists 'just in case' I was not quite certain, or might unwittingly be making an awful mistake. But I had been hit by the metaphoric express train, and there was no error. I was appalled at what the consequences might be though. I saw myself being ostracised, attacked, made homeless and impoverished. People did vanish from my life, but most of the bad things I feared did not come true, and I did not foresee the compensating goodness and warmth of the trans community. Transitioning hasn't been great fun, to put it mildly, but it's had its upbeat moments, and you've all seen pictures of me getting something enjoyable out of my female role. If you want to regard it as uplifting wartime frolics to keep up everyone's morale, I don't object.

    Lucy

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  5. Love your confidence, girl. Don't let go of it.

    Like your name to!

    Calie xxx

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Lucy Melford