Friday, 26 June 2009

Consigned to the Ark

I've now moved into my parents' former home. It's a bit chaotic of course: I need more bookcases! And my own bed too. But it's otherwise very comfortable and well-equipped, and as a viable living capsule it could hardly be bettered. I have slept and cooked and eaten and showered and washed clothes in it, and it's beginning to feel like a proper home.

Funny, before I moved in, I was eager to make plans for a radical redecor and other changes as soon as may be - not straight away, out of respect for the place, but certainly by September. I'm no longer in such a hurry. I will still do it, but for now the appearance of the house is having a calming effect. I feel safe and very grateful for having this place as my own. It's not to be messed up, or badly used, but cherished as a prize. I feel that the house is looking after me, as if left final instructions by Dad, instructions that it will faithfully carry out until I have found my feet. I am an orphaned child that has to grow up, and my parents have fashioned this Ark for me to live in while I do that. They foresaw. I am reminded of the 1972 film 'Silent Running', the one in which Bruce Dern, alone on a spaceship with a couple of little robots, lives for the remnants of Earth's forests, preserved in domes attached to the ship. Except that I am not looking for the same ending. The house is now my home, my base, my safe haven, my exclusive retreat, my private fortress, my hurricane eye, my mother's womb. I need to reposition, regroup. It doesn't matter if I drift through the universe, I can get back as soon as I have mastered the controls. I suspect that one day I will settle into the chair on the bridge, set a course, and confidently go where I never dared to go before.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Lucy
    I hope you are peaceful both in heart & mind.
    Your beloved parents would want you to be happy.
    You appear to be doing really well in such difficult circumstances. It is quite remarkable to see the abilty you have found deep inside, to be able to deal with your reaction to such a difficult situation.
    You are doing the best you possible can & I so admire your warm spirit.


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